Pokemon Oh God What Is Happening Hug Me I'm Scared Version
by I'll Expecto Your Patronads
Summary: May moves to Hoenn to start on her magnificent and wondrous pokemon journey. But plot twist, Hoenn is on crack. Parody based on the R/S/E games. Please read and review, and in doing so, boost the author's ego and help the suffering economy of the Gulf of Mexico. You will also be metaphorically delivered scented candles and garden gnomes for participation.
1. Chapter 1

Hello, my name is the mature and adult-like name of I'll Expecto Your Patronads. Anyway, thank you for clicking on my abomination without me having to do you any favors. This fanfiction is a complete destruction of Pokemon R/S/E dipped in a healthy dosing of meth. I hope you enjoy, and then read and review to boost my ego, which very much help the suffering economy of the Gulf of Mexico.

Chapter One (Oh God it Begins)

"Hello! And welcome to the world of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory!"

"…Mmm…hrmmph…"

I slowly open my eyes, my beauty sleep being rudely interrupted by an unfamiliar voice. I am surrounded by complete darkness and have no idea where I am. Though I do notice it seems as if I'm sitting upright, with my body bound to a wooden chair. Also, my back hurts. I guess my sleep wasn't so beautiful after all. This saddens me. I begin to cry tears of blood for my lost beauty.

"Huh? Where am I?" I ask this supposedly disembodied voice that woke me up, my blood tears streaming gallantly down my cheeks. I could cry normal tears, but I decided to cry blood ones, for dramatic effect. Because, like Bella Swan from Twilight, I was special.

"You got the golden ticket!" the voice bellowed, completely ignorant of my current display suffering.

"What in fuck's sake are you talking about? This is not ABC Family. This is not the 500th rerun of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

A light randomly decides to switch itself on to reveal that the disembodied voice was not actually a disembodied voice, but a person. But not just any person.

"Jack Black?"

"NO. DO NOT ASSOCIATE ME WITH SUCH AN ATROCIOUS NAME. My name is Professor Birch, but you may just call me Birch."

"Okay, Livingston. So, tell me. Why am I tied up to this chair, where am I, and why?"

"One, because after experimenting with Oompa Loompas, Willy Wonka discovered an intense fetish for bondage. Two, you are obviously in a dark, mysterious room. And three, I don't even know why I'm here. Maybe my whole existence is just fan service for some higher being. I totally bet some sort of Pokemon god is checking out my ass right now through x-ray vision or something."

"…Alrighty then. Now what?"

"I will now show you Willy Wonka's newest candy invention, sure to fascinate and give cavities to children everywhere! LE BLUEBERRY MOUSE COME HENCE FORTH AND GRACE US WITH YOUR PIP-PIP-DOODLY-DOO."

He pulled a pokeball from out of his pants and proceeded to slam it on the floor, so hard that it actually broke into 7 pieces that transformed into dragon balls, and spread themselves across the world for Goku to go haul ass and find again. The pokemon still managed to come out though, with a dazzling flash before its body was fully revealed.

"Marill!" squeaked the creature gleefully. It was a cute, blue, round, mouse pokemon.

Or at least, it was for 10 more seconds.

"BIRCH DIGIVOLVE INTO-"

Before the sentence could be finished, Birch ripped off his shirt and digivolved into a giant, horrible, grotesque creature that sort of looked like the lovechild between the beast version of Ganondorf and Kermit the Frog. Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' started playing in background as he advanced upon the Marill, who looked as if it was going to shit it's pants, despite the lack of pants. He ripped out the poor creature's heart Mortal Kombat-style and ate it, then began devouring the rest of its innards in a lovely display of gorefest. All that remained were bone and bits of scattered flesh that lay about the lit floor.

"Well, that's one clue to where I am. I'm definitely not at Disneyland."

After a few seconds, Birch paused, and his skin started turning blue. Before Tim Burton, whomever created the 1970's version of the Chocolate Factory, or Roald Dahl could come and bitchslap the author's face for copyright infringement, Birch asked his final, dying question:

"Are you a boy, or a girl?"

"Last time I checked, Mother Nature blessed me with a vagina that oozes blood once a month."

And with that, Birch expanded into a majestic, blue ball, and exploded, flinging blueberries and guts everywhere.

"…Ugggggghhh…"

I awaken on a metal, currently bumping floor. Moving my head, I see that I am surrounded by boxes filled with stuff and furniture. I come to my senses and remember where I am. A moving van. I'm moving to Hoenn today.

"God, what the hell did I eat last night to give myself a dream like that…And who the hell put's a 10-year-old kid in a moving van inside the part with all the furniture in it when they move? What if when I was asleep a cabinet fell and busted my head?"

The van suddenly halts to a stop, so quickly that I do not notice it in time and I am flung into the side wall of van, furniture falling and crushing me and glass breaking everywhere.

"GOD-DAMNIT-"

"Hello sweetie! I trust the ride was okay? Didn't break your arm, did you? Hohoho!"

I turned what little of my head that I could to glare at the woman who supposedly birthed me. She smiled, and held up a tray of tea and cookies.

"Once you're able to move again, please come and eat some of these cookies! They're not laced with cyanide this time, either! I'll leave them on the counter for you. Also, remember to start the clock in your room. I'll be in the living room watching the season finale of Dragon Tales if you need me!"

"You insolent bitchwhore of a woman-"

"Oh, you and your names!" she giggled at me and proceeded to skip away into the house, leaving me immobile and extremely uncomfortable underneath all this shitty furniture.

There was only one thing I could do now.

"LIFE ALERT! LIFE ALERT! HELP, I HAVE FALLEN AND CANNOT GET UP!"

A little kid walked by and noticed me in the van. He walked up the ramp and stared at me.

"Hey, a little help here?" I asked, trying to get out.

"What's the magic word?"

"Umm…please?"

"Ding ding ding! Correct! We have a winner! You may now claim your prize!"

He unzipped his pants and proceeded to pee all over my face.

"YOU- OHGODEWW- SON OF A BITCH- OHGODSOMEOFITGOTINMYMOUTH- STOP- DAMMIT STOP- EWW- DEAR GOD HOW MUCH MOUNTAIN DEW DID YOU DRINK TODAY?!"

"About half a gallon and I haven't went for three hours so this may take a minute or two."

After what was quite possibly the most horrible two and a half minutes of my life so far, the kid zipped it back up, put his hands in his pockets, and walked away whistling the Gilligan's Island theme.

After a few minutes of intense struggling with the fresh scent of human piss lathered upon my face, I managed to break free of my furniture imprisonment.

"Ugh…I've got to wipe my face off…" I groaned, trying not to rub it off with the clothes I had on. There was no way I was entering that house with that woman in it to change clothes or do anything. She can go die along with her Dragontale obsession. I looked to the house next to ours and vaguely remembered my father saying that he was friends with the neighbor, and they were old drinking buddies. The Birches, I think he said…wait a minute…

Praying to god that my dream wasn't some sort of horrid premonition of a bizarre adventure I was about to embark upon, I dashed to the house besides ours and rang the doorbell.


	2. Chapter 2

Hullo wondermus people of fanfiction dot net and welcome to Pokemon Wtf Version Chapter Two completed at 3 in the morning. R&R and recieve the idea of me giving you a cookie! And also you'll help that poor economy of the Gulf of Mexico.

* * *

Chapter Two- The Birch's House of Wonder

"…Oh! Wait just a minute, I'll be right there!"

The door opened and an average-looking woman with a kind face, who was probably around her mid-30's appeared. She was wearing an apron, and looked like a completely normal housewife. I heaved a sigh of relief.

"Oh thank god, someone in this fanfiction who conforms to their actual in-game character!"

"What?" she asked me, looking confused.

"Umm, nothing. Nevermind. So, anyway," I continued, wanting to make sure this first sane conversation I've had with a sane person lasted more than 30 seconds before something inconvenient interjected, "I just moved here today, and, uh…our bathroom is malfunctioning, so is it okay if I use yours? Name's May, by the way. Nice to meet you."

"Oh, you must be the new neighbors who were supposed to move in today! My name is Mrs. Birch, and my husband and I have a son who is around your age. I don't know where he is at the moment though, so he might be dead, but I can't say for sure. Anyway, you said you wanted to use our bathroom? Sure, make yourself at home!"

Suddenly, her smile disappeared, and her face became blank and expressionless. She moved her face uncomfortably close to mine and stared directly into my eyes. " And while you're at it, take our couch and microwave and other prized possessions, and sell them on fucking Amazon for a cheap buck, you shit-faced freeloader."

Well, then. That took an unpleasant turn. Her expression remaining the same, she wordlessly stepped out of way of the entrance as if to let me in, but she was still staring at me intently.

"Umm…" I was about to say something, wondering if she just had a dark sense of humor, but her eyes widened as I spoke, and something in them suggested deep hatred, and a possible desire to see my blood spill. Feeling quite uncomfortable, like a child being put on Santa's lap only to feel a raging and wrinkly old man erection, I avoided her eyes and slowly made my way into the house.

It was a normal-looking house, but from the way the woman I just met was, I entered with caution, hoping the floor wouldn't give in to a secret pitfall that would land me into some sort of torture chamber. I noticed a young boy was sitting on the couch, eating some potato chips and watching television. This was the same boy that pissed upon my face. I had a violent urge to tell off/smack the boy, but one glance at the woman who I assumed to be his mother put me in my place. Her eyes were like the embodiment of death themselves, contained in a pupil and an iris.

"Mom, are the cookies done?" the boy asked, turning his head and looking over at her.

"Should just be one more minute, dear!" she said, switching into the previous generic housewife mode, and heading over to the oven. The boy didn't seem to notice me. Taking this chance, I rushed up to the second floor.

There were four doors. Picking the first on the right, I opened it slightly, but stopped as I began to smell an obscure stench. It smelled like rotting meat, and I could hear sounds of heavy wheezing, and moaning. Deciding to spare myself from whatever horrors lay beyond what I presume to be the woman's bedroom door, I took the next one on the right. I walked into what appeared to be a normal bedroom, or what would appear to be a normal one. A single pokeball lay randomly upon the floor.

My natural instincts told me to leave it the fuck alone after experiencing the first three minutes of this deplorable house, but for the sake of plot advancement, I approached it, scolding whatever fear that had set place in my heart like a total badass. Actually, that last part was a lie to make myself seem cool, in reality I was pissing my pants hoping Pyramid Head wouldn't come out holding a chainsaw.

As I was about to grasp the spherical object, the lights dramatically shut off. Which was unfortunate, because in the darkness nobody could see the fabulous 'oh shit' face I was currently displaying.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen!" bellowed a masculine, but chipmunked voice.

Oh god. It was another Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel. This was going to be worse than five Pyramid Heads. Five Pyramid Heads with bipolar disorder who all lost at monopoly on the same day. While on their periods.

"I believe it is time to introduce the fabulous…incredible…most beautiful, scrump-diddly-umptious, dazzling, trend-setting, not bed-wetting, magnificent, swagtastical-"

"You and your father really have a thing for dramatic entrances, don't you?"

"BREEEEEDAAANNNAAAAA THE BEAAAAUTIFUULLLLLL!"

The lights switched back on and a boy around my age was standing in the middle of the room, wearing a long, frilly dress and so much makeup that his face was hardly visible. His nails were so sparkly that one would assume that Twilight Sparkle wiped her ass with them, and his heels were actually flip flops but with bedazzled machetes glued to them.

He quickly sashayed over to me, which also surprised me considering his footwear.

"So, honey, what can I do for you? No autographs, please. I have a busy schedule, you must know, so I can't hang around all day. It's hard work being so fabulous. Oh my goodness, why do you smell so nasty?"

"Where is your bathroom?"

He stepped back and gasped, looking very taken back. Tears welled up in his mascara-covered eyes, and his bottom lip trembled ferociously.

"Why must you taunt me?" he choked, said tears now spilling from his eyes, making his face even more obscure than it already was. "You must be aware by now that I am a dazzling woman in a man's grotesque body, why would you take this moment to remind me that our bodily functions differ? You have to sit while you pee, and I have to stand up because it feels awkward when I sit down! WHY MUST YOU REMIND ME OF THE TRAGEDY I'VE HAD TO BEAR SINCE WOMB ESCAPAGE?! CRUEL, SADISTIC, SOCIOPATHIC, HARLOT FELON!"

Before I could leave a remark on his excellent usage of adjectives, he let out a strong wail, dashed towards the window, and jumped out of it, glass shattering everywhere. I ran towards the window to see if he was okay.

"IF ONLY I HAD LIP PLUMPER TO PUT ON THEM, MY TEARS WOULD BE AS PRETTY AS NICKI MINAJ'S!" he cried, running blindly into the woods. "THIS WILL NOT BE THE LAST OF ME YOU'LL SEE, VICIOUS HARLOT. I'LL BE BACK. WITH SEXY. SWAG. VEGENCE."

And with that, he disappeared.

And now it was time for me to get the fuck out of freaktown.

I looked at the pokeball that was still laying untouched on the floor. If everybody in this new region was like this, I would need some form of protection.

I took the ball and put it in my bag, and then realized I still needed to find the bathroom. And a new change of clothes. I took a peek in his dresser to find it filled with women's apparel. Shocker.

Taking an outfit similar to mine, I walked out of his room and tried the second room on the left. Bingo, normal-looking bathroom.

After cleaning myself and changing clothes, I walked back into the hallway and contemplated my next course of action. Should I do Bredana's dramatic window jump, or take the stairs down to the woman who would cause Hitler to use a nightlight when he sleeps? Decisions, decisions.

Hoping the woman was still in generic housewife mode, I tiptoed down the stairs and into the main living area. The boy was still watching TV and now eating some cookies, while the mother was chopping up some vegetables. So far, so good.

Halfway to the door, she looked at me. Oh shit. Thankfully, she didn't move, but was still chopping the vegetables as she stared at me with that face. When I got close enough to the door to grasp the door knob, she began to cut off her own hand. Staring at me, with that unchanging expression.

"Jesus Christ-"

I ran out of the house, making my way to the first route out of this town.


End file.
